You cannot convince people to love you.
This quote really hit home for me today.
“You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.” Cheryl Strayed
I have been working with my therapist for months on some issues with someone in my life. It is a long story and not one that would add value here other than for me to say this. I took months to compose a letter expressing my feelings about some behaviors towards me from this person. I anguished over the writing and rewriting to make sure I was sticking to the facts, how I felt, and requesting boundaries. I finally got the courage to send the letter with great hope it could be the beginning to healing a very troubled relationship. The recipient chose to walk out of my life instead.
So now I get to examine how I choose to react. The old me would have begged them to forgive me and to stay in my life. I now know that is the very co-dependent me and not behavior I want to perpetuate.
I could choose to write them again expressing my disappointment for their behavior. Or I can choose to not get caught up in their drama; I expressed my feelings, I asked for boundaries, and asked we work at creating a healthier relationship. The fact they chose to leave my life is not a reflection on me. It is a reflection on them. For whatever reason they are not willing or capable of doing the self-examination work required to create a healthier relationship. Does this mean I am not worth loving? I think not. It simply means we are at different stages in our emotional development and they are just not capable of loving themselves enough to do the work.
My decision is to bless them; wishing them love and kindness on their journey.
I know it is hard for many of us with empathic abilities to go through such struggles. We want everyone to like and love us, often going to extreme measures to gain such affection. The reality is we are all evolving and growing at different rates. Some people are willing to engage in the self-reflection and work it takes to bring a healthy, whole person to a relationship and others are happy living in their comfort zones.
I am learning to accept not everyone is willing to devote the time and energy I am to healing and personal growth. This brings with it a new set of challenges such as finding the field of people I am willing to put energy into creating an intimate relationship with, to be a much smaller group. I want to engage in healthy, fulfilling relationships, and I look for those in my life to want the same. I am also willing to accept I may have fewer relationships in my life in exchange for better ones.
I am learning to accept some people will choose to not love me or not love me enough to stay.
I would love to hear your thoughts and what Cheryl’s quote brings up for you!
Namaste,
Shelly